Dying to see Tomorrow

 May 3, 2012

I will not talk about this very often but here is some back ground info:

I am a two-time Ovarian Cancer survivor, I was diagnosed with stage 3c ovarian cancer in August 2007.  I am told quite often that I should write about my horrific experiences because it might help other people. True, it might help other people but I'm not to the point where I want to shout every bloody, disgusting, chemically induced detail from the roof top. I am fine with people asking me questions in a one-to-one situation, I am very honest, blunt and to the point about it. I DO NOT like it however if I am in a public place, public event (class reunion) or the damn grocery store! For the longest time I avoided the grocery store,,,I even paid my three sons to shop for me!! I hate pity and I get really upset when someone walks up to me and says "How ~~~are~~~(insert sad, pitiful, puppy face)~~~~you~~~~(insert sorrowful tilting of the head and reaching out to pat my hand)~~~~~~ doing Honey??  Please don't get me wrong,,,I know that people genuinely care about me and that their concerns are honestly valid,,,I  have nearly died twice, been through 30 rounds of chemo, a total of 6 Major stomach surgeries (3 of them where c-sections) and two minor stomach procedures. The chemo had life altering effects on my body as I developed neuropathy so badly in my feet and hands that I spent 7 months in physical therapy learning how to walk and write and hold a fork again. I have a hernia and continuing issues that hold me captive everyday of my life now. I live with the constant shadow over my head of not know if the cancer will be back a third time...Ovarian cancer is incurable so I am considered terminally ill.  I have blood test every other month ,,,,,,if the blood test come back bad, then the bottom will drop out from under me again like a runaway elevator,,always going down, down, down.  And once you have experienced this feeling of recurrence it becomes a ghost that never leaves your mind. I live 2 months at a time,,,,never knowing what the next doctors appointment will bring. I have been through hell.   So, when I am not at the doctors office or in the chemo lab I don't want to be reminded that I am not healthy. I truly appreciate peoples concern for me,,,honest I do,,it's just hard sometimes.

God has blessed me in so many ways however, the biggest blessing (besides my sons) is my ability to trust HIM and KNOW that whatever his plans are for me, they ARE HUGE! I don't understand why this is happening to me and I don't care!  He chose me for this life because he knows I can handle it.  He tells us not to FEAR because he has our back, and I find comfort it that.  Sure, I could be pissed off (and have been at times, I'm human), I could walk around with a grim, sullen, poor pitiful me attitude but I refuse to do that! I am not put here to suck pity from everyone or exhaust them with my continuing  issues . I am here to be happy in the little things, cherish my wonderful, loving family and friends.  I have the most amazing three boys who are now 24, 22, and 20.......I made it through raising them and they still love me!!  I live in a shit house on disability (which is absolutely pitiful and harder than hell to make it through each month), I wear second-hand clothing and I miss out on a lot because I can't afford it~~~~ but I don't need or want for much because somehow God provides.  It amazes me how kind and giving everyone has been to me.~~~like I said, I am so blessed!

 Luckily I am a simple person with simple desires so it is, in fact, the little things that I get the most pleasure out of.  I love to smile, laugh and be a dork!! I have a fat ass that I can barely find pants for, and now because of all the surgeries I have no stomach muscles so my belly pokes out tremendously.  I am not a 10 by any stretch,,,BUT I AM A ROCKSTAR to everyone who knows and loves me!!

I don't dwell on the past and I cannot control the future so I am happy right where I am today.....It is a good day because God let me live to see it!